GoT Recap Doubleheader–The Wolf and the Lion a/k/a King of Pain and A Golden Crown a/k/a King of Fools

I’m trucking along with GoT season 1. It hasn’t been easy, but I have a duty to report these events to the internet. We all have our burdens. Like the preceding recap, I’ll be doing two episodes in a list style.

The Wolf and the Lion

Things are still suspect as shit in King’s Landing. Watch out Ned!

-Robert calling someone a fat ass is laughable. Look at that rotund belly. He should invent that breast plate stretcher.

-Of course Robert manspreads.

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-Robert=basically Jeffrey Lebowski.

-I like Littlefinger’s coat. This is the best screenshot I could find

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-OMFG, equinecide by decapitation?? That is some fucked up shit.

-The Hound really kept things from escalating. He gets some points from me.

-Puny, ineffective Loras.

-Littlefinger and Varys sassing each other is great stuff.

-Uh oh! Robert finds out Dani is pregnant, and thinks she and the child should be murdered. He’s still not over the whole Targaryen debacle.

-Ned, always the the rational one, tries to convince Robert to leave Dani alone. He has several convincing reasons: she’s across the Narrow Sea, the Dothraki don’t have ships to cross said sea, and she’s just a child. While all these are true, Ned really doesn’t want to have Dani murdered because JS is also a Targaryen! Of course, he can’t tell Robert or anyone this. Robert says Ned can’t be hand of the king anymore. No real loss there, but still. Oh Ned.

-This part at the Eyrie is mostly garbage. Robin is truly the worst. He can go the way of the moon door any day.

-However, Bronn and Tyrion are the best of all time.

-I could have lived my whole life without seeing Theon’s man pole.

-Loras, shaving your man’s chest hair is a mistake.

-Plus, they left one of Renely’s pits unshaved. That is still bugging me.

-Cersei’s face when Robert was talking Lyanna is the contempt I strive for in my life.

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-I just have in my notes “bunch of weirdos”. I don’t know to whom I’m referring.

-Cat is really fucking things up for Ned. He gets stabbed in the leg because she seized Tyrion. The Starks are on the downward slope.

A Golden Crown

-Ned is recovering from being stabbed and wakes up to see Robert and Cersei standing over him. Creepy.

-I guess Ned is hand of the king again. I don’t really understand this. I totally tuned out.

-I tuned in to hear that Robert is going on a hunt. Oh no.

-Oh hey Dani! She’s admiring her dragon eggs and grabs a hot one out of the fire. Her hands are unscathed. Could she be a dragon? Oh wait, she totally is.

-It’s so cute to see Bran happy and riding his horse again.

-Hey, it’s Tonks!

-Robb is badass, but it’s Theon (of all people) who saves the mother fucking day.

-Dani is really chowing down on that raw horse heart.

-Vary is a total dum dum.

-We’re back at the Eyrie. I hate this so much. I’m surprised Lysa’s boob isn’t out.

-Tyrion’s confessions are hilarious though. When will we hear the punchline to his jackass and the honeycomb joke???

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-I have to look at a synopsis on the Game of Thrones Wikia because I don’t understand what I wrote in my notes.

-For instance, I wrote “Ned is totally being Leslie Knope right now”. What the hell, self?

-Sansa does wear her hair like a southern lady, i.e. frivolous.

-Joffrey is such a liar.

-The newest GoT fetish: getting flashed by a woman on a turnip cart. I get the allure and convenience of going commando, but I would like at least one layer between the goods and some dirty turnips.

-Ned can’t stop digging into the shit at King’s Landing. He looks at the giant book of the great families of the seven kingdoms. He gets to Baratheons and notices they all have black hair until you get to Cersei and Robert’s supposed children, who all have blonde hair.

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-Vary is awful. He’s the Joffery of the Dothraki area.

-He wants a golden crown…I’ve heard about this part for so long.

-That’s got to be one of the more satisfying deaths on this show.

-Plus, it shows he’s not a real Targaryen because the fire killed him.

-Fire cannot kill the dragon, bitches!

That concludes these latest recaps. They’re half assed, but it’s a holiday for me. I don’t get paid time and a half for this shit.

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