I was not impressed with these installments of GoT. These episodes had every thing I hate about this show: over-reliance on convoluted backstory , too many disparate subplots, and awful sex scenes. To make things easier for me (and more humorous for you), I’m going to recap this episode entirely in a list style, à la Buzzfeed and its ilk. Some may bemoan my use of a “listcicle”, but I figure since an anthropomorphic vat of rancid Taco Bell nacho cheese is one election away from becoming the leader of the free world, life is about to rendered meaningless. So, what the hell? Let’s do this the quick and easy way.
– Ned arrives in King’s Landing. Someone immediately tells him to change his clothes and take a bath. Dude, you look just as rough. STFU.
-Oh, hello Littlefinger.
-And Renley. Watch out for shadow babies!
-It’s so obvious Littlefinger is in love with Cat.
-Ned finds out the crown is in serious debt. He basically says we can’t do fun things like host a josting tournament. He’s like the financial adviser of King’s Landing.
-Cersei tells Joffery “The truth will be what you make it.” This is also known as denial.
-Ned finds out Arya has Needle. This is a decent scene.
-Bran is totally taking advantage of lazing about in bed.
-Robb looks good.
-Wow, Cat hates Littlefinger. I mean, rightly so, but wow.
-JS is the best at sword fighting! Everyone hates him for it.
-One of the biggest mistakes Cat and Ned every made was trusting Littlefinger. Littlefinger is all:
-At least in future seasons, Sansa seems to be using Littlefinger as a means to get what she wants. Ned and Cat just blindly trusted him.
-Cersei is pissed that Bran is alive. Quite evil. Jamie is acting rape-y right now. Old Jamie=no me gusta.
-Robert is that callow, rude frat boy who was a friend of a friend of a friend in college that you just can’t believe is successful, but you at least get to laugh at a little bit because he got fat.
-Dani should have let the Dothraki kill Vary.
-Dani looks good.
-Dani and KG have such good chemistry.
– I did not know KG had a wife. Poor KG.
-Dani is pregnant!? She looks pleased with herself.
-Tyrion got his wish to piss off the top of the wall/world. How heartwarming.
-The Night’s Watch telling Tyrion to ask Cersei for money is a shrewd play. I approve. Oh wait, except the Capital is super in debt.
-Arya’s sword fighting teacher seems legit. I like his unorthodox methods.
Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things
-Bran dreams of a three-eyed raven. What does it all mean??? (duh)
-The first time Hodor helped Bran. RIP, old friend.
-Tyrion HATES Theon.
-Poor Sam arrives at Castle Black and immediately gets beaten up. I hope this guy gets a happy ending.
-I was so glad Dani finally told off Vary. You can see she is already planning her take over of the Seven Kingdoms.
-Vary and the prostitute=worst sex scene ever (in a show full of them).
-Ned is starting a little fact finding mission. He talking to the Maester about John Arryn’s death and looking at history books of the great houses. This is a BAD idea. It’s likely to get you killed! Too soon?
-Littlefinger tells Ned there are spies and “little birds” everywhere. So creepy.
-Gendry is introduced. There is a theory that Gendry is actually the legitimate son of Cersei and Robert, and the plot is open for him to show up again.
-JS goes around defending Sam. How does JS keep his curls so defined considering the lack of quality hair products in Westeros?
-It’s tournament time in King’s Landing. The women’s hairstyles here are so silly.
-It’s the Mountain vs. Ser Hugh, some twerp. Spoiler alert: the Mountain wins.
-Littlefinger tells Sansa about how the Mountain put the Hound’s face in the fire. Inappropriate.
-I love you, KG.
-Cersei confronts Ned about his fact-finding mission. Damn, she’s cold. Like liquid nitrogen.
-On his way back South, Tyrion and Cat cross paths. Cat blames Tyrion for Bran’s accident and commands he be seized. Girl, you are so wrong, and a little prejudiced, if you ask me.
I’ll see you soon for episode five. Depending on how much I hate the episode, I’ll do a list recap again. Until then, watch out for little birds and spies.