Welcome to GoT recaps, Retro Style! I’m going back to the very beginning of the series to recap previous episodes to keep you entertained until new episodes air and to put more content on this blog. The series premiered announced the thesis behind the entire series: winter is coming, and everyone is fucked.
The series begins with a cold open. I suppose you can’t inundate viewers with the world’s longest opening credits right off the bat. It would just confuse people. Riders from the Night’s Watch are venturing beyond the wall to track some Wildlings. They find some Wildlings, but they are dead. They also find White Walkers!!!! The White Walkers kill two of the riders and the dead Wildlings turn into Wights. The White Walkers spare the third rider who is so terrified of what he saw that he deserts the Night’s Watch, not caring that his punishment is death by Warden of the North, Ned Stark.
That’s right, Ned Stark is still alive at this juncture. Ned doesn’t believe that the White Walkers are back, which is his first mistake of many. In the series premiere, the Starks are happily residing in and ruling over Winterfell. Ned and Catelyn are totally in love. Robb and his perfect face, JS, and Bran are all practicing archery. Sansa is the perfect lady, the apple of everyone’s eye. Arya doesn’t want to be a lady, and shows up her brothers with her mad archery skillzzz. Catelyn is giving JS the stink eye. If only they knew R + L=J!
Contrasting to Winterfell’s bucolic setting, we travel to King’s Landing, a city in mourning. The hand of the king, Jon Arryn, is dead. His death is mysterious. Jamie and Cersei are on edge because Jon knew about their twincest. Lysa Arryn, Jon’s wife and Catelyn’s sister, sends a raven to Winterfell claiming Jon was murdered. Fearing for her life, she fled to the Eyrie. Whatever girl. Just go try to mack on Littlefinger and STFU. The point is that Robert Baratheon, the current occupier of the iron throne and Cersei’s husband, needs a new hand of the king. Robert wants his old friend Ned Stark for the job, so the Baratheons, Lannisters, and their retinue are on their way to Winterfell.
The King Robert and his court arrive at Winterfell. Sansa makes eyes at Joffery. Girl, stay away. He’s not even cute. Arya is in awe of The Hound and his dog-head shaped helmet. Girl, proceed with caution. Robert and Ned hug like old friends. Their relationship is odd. Ned has to bow to Robert because Robert is the King of the Realm and all that mumbo-jumbo, but they act like brothers for the most part. Ned is the older, more practical brother who has to help Robert be realistic. Immediately upon his arrival at Winterfell, Robert wants to go down to the crypt to see the grave of his lost love Lyanna. Cersei protests, but Robert is unmoved. Having your husband be CLEARLY in love with someone else who is dead is totally horrible (not to mention getting handsy with waitresses at the feast). Cersei gains some sympathy points there. That’s way worse than the time I went on a date with a guy and he kept asking me about this other girl that I worked with. And we were eating at Tex Tubb’s Taco Palace. Even without sub-standard tacos, Cersei’s love life is in shambles.
Once in the crypt, Robert and Ned have a juicy conversation. Robert is all “Wahhh, Lyanna belongs with me.” Ned replies curtly “She was my sister.” Come on Robert, you weren’t even married to this girl! Plus, I have a strong feeling she literally ran away from you to be with someone else! And then this:
Robert: In my dreams, I kill him every night
Ned: All the Targaryens are gone.
Robert: Not all of them.
That’s right not all of them! We know about JS, and Dani and her lecherous brother Vary are still alive. Vary is priming Dani to marry Khal Drogo. He wants to have the Dothraki as allies so he can take back his homeland. LOL. Vary caresses Dani’s breast. Who does that (besides Jamie to Cersei)???? Even in the twisted world of GoT, incest is wrong.
If you can get past that licentiousness, there was some good foreshadowing of Dani as the Mother of Dragons. She gets into a too-hot bath without a care and receives a gift of three dragon eggs as a wedding present. Apparently the eggs are fossilized, so they can’t hatch. Or are they??? KG is also at Dani’s wedding. He is so cute! He’s already proving his worth to Dani by helping her speak Dothraki.
Back at Winterfell, Bran is a-climbing a tower. He reaches the window of this tower and happens to see Cersei and Jamie a-boning.
Jamie and Cersei catch Bran catching them. Jamie pushes Bran out of the high tower’s window. Don’t worry, Jamie, we have all done shameful things for love!
That concludes the series premiere of this dumpster fire. I tried to watch this show when it first aired but it was way too dull and bloated with back story for me. It’s much better now that I have the juicy intel of the seasons 5 and 6. Stay tuned for more GoT Recaps, Retro Style!