We know GoT loves death, mayhem, and conquering, but the season 6 finale really took the cake. There was usurping, large-scale death, alliances forming, and plans for conquering all in the span of 69 minutes. Oh, and a huge fan theory was confirmed. NBD.
The most shocking usurping, large-scale death, and plans for conquering took place in King’s Landing, where it’s the day of Cersei and Loras’s trials. Cersei is day-drinking like a freshman on game day who is finally away from his meddling parents (i.e. a lot). She’s also wearing a severe black dress with armor-like accents. Something is up; she doesn’t usually dress that way. Tommen is getting all his king duds on. The High Sparrow puts on a clean burlap sack. It must be a big day! All the King’s Landing residents gather at the church of the seven to watch the trial, including Margery and Lord Tyrell. Notably absent are Cersei and Tommen. The Mountain is currently blocking Tommen from leaving his chambers. Interesting. Is Tommen being kept away for safety reasons? Loras’s trial is first. He confesses to all his sins right out of the gate. To avoid punishment, he joins the seven. He has to get that worthless sigil carved into his forehead right then and there. Scenes like this irritate me because it’s just the show being needlessly gross.
Now that Loras is in the palm of the High Sparrow’s hand, it’s time for Cersei’s trial. Only Cersei and Tommen aren’t in the church. Margery can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord. She alerts the High Sparrow that Cersei and Tommen are missing; something must be wrong. Lancel Lannister goes to retrieve his wayward family members. Big mistake! The Little Birds from earlier this season flit and flutter around, distracting Lancel and leading him right into the room with the Wildfire Bran saw in his vision. This is chase scene is underscored by a lovely and foreboding violin composition. There are already small candles in the chartreuse pools of wildfire. The fire catches and spreads through the tunnel under King’s Landing. Margarey and the Sparrow lock eyes as the violins cease playing.
The whole church explodes spectacularly, killing everyone inside. Cersei, watching from the window of the Red Keep, chugs some wine. Cersei’s victory is short-lived. Seeing the destruction, Tommen jumps out of his window. All of Cersei’s children are dead, just as the witch’s prophecy envisioned.
The other Lannister is doing a bit better than his brethren. Jamie is attending a Frey wedding with vulgar curmudgeon Walder Frey. Jamie is with the Freys, but not being completely murdered, so that is a plus. A mysterious waitress keeps making eyes at Jamie, so Bron surmises that Waitress must want to boink Jamie. She’s not Jamie’s type though: not blonde and they are not related. I nominate myself for burn of the day! Sick burn aside, Jamie and Bronn leave the disgusting Frey party. Later, Walder is alone with his dinner, waiting for his dumbfuck sons to show up. The Waitress arrives and Walder being Walder, makes a pass at her. He barks at her to go get his sons. She says they are here, as in here in the same room. To be more specific, they are chopped up in his meat pie. Walder pulls back the pie crust to reveal a finger. We cut back to Waitress ripping off her face. It’s Arya crossing a name off her kill list.
Let’s all welcome back Arya to the land of good plot lines!
Other Starks in the land of good plot lines are JS and Sansa. They have a little discussion at Winterfell regarding the Knights of the Vale’s assistance during the battle with Ramsay. JS is skeptical of Littlefinger since he sold Sansa to the Boltons in the first place. I’m thinking this is why Sansa never told JS about the Knights of the Vale. Littlefinger confronts Sansa about repayment for rounding up the Knights of the Vale: he wants the Iron Throne, with Sansa by his side. Sansa brushes him off, but Littlefinger is already sowing the seeds of discontent within Sansa. He argues she is the true heir to the North since she is Ned and Catelyn’s oldest true born child. JS is just a “motherless bastard from the South”. I’m licking my chops at the possibility of this plot line. Major drama!
Speaking of JS being a “motherless bastard from the South”, it’s time we talk about R + L=J. The long-anticipated fan theory was revealed to be correct. JS is not Ned Stark’s bastard. He’s the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. With Bran as a conduit, we complete the Tower of Joy flashback. Young Ned runs into the tower to find his sister Lyanna dying in a pool of blood. With her last breaths, Lyanna whispers something unintelligible to her dear brother. I SWEAR TO GOD IF THEY KEEP HOLDING OUT ON ME, I WILL GO ALL ARYA ON EVERYONE’S ASS.
Thankfully I won’t have to do that. All we need to hear is this: “You have to protect him. Promise me, Ned. Promise me. ” The nurse appears with a brown-eyed baby. The camera closes in on the baby’s face. The we cut to a close-up of JS’s face.
That means JS is totally the king of everything, and probably has claim over Dani. For now, JS will have to settle for King of the North. All the other northern houses agree he is the best. As they pledge fealty to to JS, Sansa catches Littlefinger’s eye. He looks un-amused. Hello, juicy story for season 7!
It’s now time for the “Asides/Who Cares?” portion of the recap. The last one of season 6.
- The King’s Landing maester gets murdered by the Little Birds. I’m not sure what his crimes are, other than shorting prostitute (ok, that’s a a jerk move) and wearing the ugliest statement necklace this side of LuAnn De Lesseps from RHONY.
See what I mean?
- Sam and Gilly Tilly head to Old Town so Sam can become a maester. They have an impressive library.
- Liam McGuiness is angry he can’t accompany Dani on her journey to conquer Westeros. He whines about it. Girl bye.
- Dani makes Dinkles Hand of the Queen. That’s great!
- Davos confronts Melisandre over Princess Stannis’s death last season. JS orders her to ride south, promising if she ever shows up in the North again, she’s a dead woman.
- Grandma Tyrell is in Dorne forming an alliance. The Dorne women and Grandma all hate Cersei. Grandma is tossing out insults to the Sand Snakes like she’s throwing candy from a parade float. God, I wish I was her.
Before Jon, Dani, or anyone else claims the Iron Throne, they are going to have to address the Cersei issue. With the High Sparrow and Tommen dead, Cersei has usurped the Iron Throne. Oh boy, this is not gOOOoood. Jamie arrives back in King’s Landing to see the smoking embers of the church and Cersei on the throne. I’m sure this scene from Parks and Rec inspired the GoT writers when thinking about how Jamie would feel when seeing Cersei on the Iron Throne.
Regardless of Cersei or JS, Dani’s gargantuan fleet is heading toward Westeros with her dragons flying along overhead. She will presumably land in Dorne since Bald Guy secured an alliance for her there.
What are your predictions for next season? Will Dani, JS, and Cersei battle it out for the Iron Throne? Will Sansa continue to go along with Littlefinger’s plans? Will Arya reunite with her siblings? Will Bran show up and spill the beans about R + L = J?
Thank you for experiencing season six with me. There’s been a request for me to go back to the beginning of the series and recap that hot garbage. I’m interested, but I’m not sure at what frequency I’ll write those recaps. I’ll definitely be back for season 7 though! Until then, remember: winter is coming.