While watching last night’s GoT episode, the episode of Parks and Recreation where Leslie gives Ben a replica of the Iron Throne came to my mind. In the scene, Ben says: “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.” (a quick Google sesh told me that Cersei says this to Ned in season 1, but Parks and Rec 4ever). Some characters definitely did not win and went by way of the “die” route (Rodolfo Bolton, B-Money Greyjoy). As the “old” leaders, these characters were usurped by enemies/family members vying to be the new leaders of their respective factions. Other characters may be getting a new shot at life (hey ya, Jon Snow). Others still want to win, no matter the cost (good God, Ramsay). Let’s see how well everybody played the game this week.
A minor player is back from hiatus—Bran Stark. He’s chillaxing (when you chill and relax at the same time) in a funky-looking tree with the three-eyed raven in human form. They buzz back in time to see young Ned, Lyanna, and Benjen Stark having fun and playing in better days. Plus, Hodor, f/k/a Wylis is there! He could even speak in sentences, instead of just repeating “Hodor” over and over. The Raven and Bran go back to the current time and the Raven says a war is coming. No doi, dude. I thought you were this omniscient being. Haven’t you watched seasons 1-5? I barely pay attention to this shit show and still get that Westeros is colossal power vacuum. Probably a Dyson because those literally suck the most.
After checking in with Bran, we move to get the deets on another Stark-ish child: Jon Snow! He’s still dead at this point. His enemies are all ready to bust a cap. JS’s allies get ready to throw down, but that won’t be necessary because the Wildlings come to the rescue! Gingerbeard McAngry and the Wildling giant returns. The Wildlings round up the JS traitors and throw them in Night’s Watch jail. Punk-ass Ollie resists until the very end. You’re on the losing side, snicklefritz. Get over it.
So, the Wildlings aren’t the only players that have giants. So does Cersei. Her zombie giant the Mountain kills a drunk guy that was trashing-talking her. Then Cersei is sad because Tommen said she can’t attend Cersei Jr.’s funeral. Bish, since when do you listen to that toddler? Let your zombie do the killing and go cast glorious shade over everyone else. You’re being boring right now. Also boring is Jamie and the High Sparrow. Next!
Let’s just get all the boring shit of the way now: Blind No-Face Araya. Remember when she traipsed around with the Hound killing people? Furthermore, remember when she wasn’t killing people she was reciting the list of people she wanted to kill? Yeah, that was great. More Badass Araya, less (as in zero) Blind No-Face Araya. Hopefully Brienne and Sansa can find Araya and get her face back. Their crew will also be down one member: Theon is returning to the Iron Islands to re-join his family. He’s in for quite a surprise there! His uncle Triton (yes, as in Ariel’s father in the Disney adaptation of The Little Mermaid. They’re all sea folk) kills Theon’s dad B-Money. At B-Money’s funeral, Theon’s sister, Yabbadabba (I know it starts with a “Y’), announces she will be the heir to the Iron Islands. This guy standing next to her says no dice because Yabbadabba is a lady. Thanks, Captain Misogyny. Add Uncle Triton and Yabbadabba to the roster of players in the great game.
Moving right along through Westeros, we are transported to Mereen next. Dinkles, Bald Guy, Grey Worm and Missandei are chatting it up. Missandrei says Dany’s dragons aren’t eating. A drunk Dinkles thinks he can fix this problem. He goes down to the dragon lair, chats with the dragons (as one does), and releases them from their bonds. All I could think about during this scene was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban when all the students had to bow to Buckbeak the hippogriff. The dragons seemed cool with Dinkles, even though he didn’t bow. After the dragon meeting, Dinkles tells bald guy “If I have an idea like that again, punch me in the face”. I wish some people I know would say that to me, so I could punch them in the face for their idiotic ideas.
Oh my god, we have to talk about Ramsay next. Ramsay kills his dad Rodolfo because stepmom Walda gave birth to baby boy, a true heir. Ramsay is a bastard and has a chip on his shoulder about it. Ramsay then sends Walda and his (newborn, hours old) half brother to the dogs. Rape and twincest are so 2015 on GoT, infanticide is what’s happening in 2016! Ramsay suspects Sansa is headed to Castle Black because JS is there. I’m so hoping for a b to the w death match at Castle Black. Ramsay has a death coming to him that will make him wish he was fed alive to the dogs.
I’ve dragged you along long enough—it’s time to talk about Jon Snow! The end of last night’s episode was nigh. Status of JS=still dead. Davos visits Melisandre. She’s still in “crisis of faith” mode. He knows that some Lord of Light magic practitioners can bring people back from the dead—could she do that with JS? Melisandre is doubtful, but agrees to try. Davos, Melisandre, and Gingerbeard gather at JS’s bedside. Melisandre performs her rituals—washing JS’s body and muttering incantations. Nothing happens. One by one, Davos, Gingerbeard, Melisandre, and everyone else leaves, crestfallen. Only Ghost stays behind, stretching and yawning like “Can you believe this garbage? Everyone saw Kit Harrington filming scenes for this shizz in Belfast and his damn name is in the opening credits!” Just when you think the show is going to leave you hanging for yet another week, JS’s eyes fly open and he gasps frantically for air. THE END.
So, JS is somewhere on the “alive” spectrum. Is he totally back to normal? Is he some sort of zombie? Will he seek revenge on those who betrayed him? Will Melisandre have a resurgence of faith? Will Araya find a face? Do you think Uncle Triton would be mad about the name I gave him? I’d better avoid rickety bridges in the future.