We’re back! I’m back, you’re back to read this deranged tirades, Dinkles, Jamie, Cersei, Dani, KG, Sansa, Blind No-Face Araya, Rodolfo, Grey Worm, Liam McGuiness, Melisandre, the creepy-ass bitch—everyone is back! We’re back for a new season of GoT, George R.R. Martin’s (“GRRM”) macabre, prurient, death spiral. The show has caught up to GRRM’s glacial writing pace (He has “pages” people, whatever that means. Pages of take-out menus, most likely.) and no one knows what will happen. Readers and non-readers alike are all totally clueless as to what’s coming and when, just like GRRM’s editor. Now that my introduction paragraph is complete, let’s move to the recap.
The season premiere doesn’t waste any time checking with maybe-not-dead Jon Snow. Unfortunately, he looks pretty damn deceased to me. That Davos guy and bunch of other Night’s Watch dudes come check out JS and decide to move his body. Ghost the Direwolf is all sad and howling. That wolf gets me: JS was (is?) a good character! Melisandre, the creepy-ass bitch, is also at Night’s Watch HQ, which I’m sure has nothing to do with plot development at all.
Staying in the North, we check in with Ramsay. He is mourning the death of Miranda, his little masochist. A man servant comes into the bedroom and asks if he should dig a grave or build a pyre for Miranda’s body. Ramsay orders her to be fed to the dogs. I hate Ramsay more than I hate the watery ketchup that comes out at first squeeze and gets on my burger. That is a massive amount of hate.
If that’s how Ramsay treated someone he liked (or at least liked to bang), poor Sansa better get out of dodge. She and Theon/Reek (“T/R”) are on the run, Ramsay’s “best hounds” and lackeys not far behind. The men and dogs catch up to the two runaways, and it looks like another sad chapter of Sansa’s depressing life in almost complete. Suddenly, Brienne the Badass and Pod show up! When I was watching this, I cheered out loud. That’s a GoT first for me! Brienne kills most of Ramsay’s men, even though she gets hurt. Pod even kills a guy! T/R delivers the last death blow. Brienne pledges her loyalty and protection to Sansa, and Sansa accepts. This plot line will give Brienne something to do, and divulges the other characters whereabouts and activities to Sansa. I do actually like this, sincerely.
I’m not even going to acknowledge the meandering, dallying Blind No-Face Araya story save for this sentence, so let’s move from the Starks to the Lannisters. Cersei is all “short hair, don’t care” and chilling at some castle not in King’s Landing (or so more knowledgeable viewers told me). A servant tells Cersei a ship is approaching, and she is all happy. Oh, happiness on GoT, you elusive minx! Cersei sees the ship is carrying Jamie and the boy of their dead Cersei Jr. Cersei cries and Jamie talks about straight-up killing some fools.Basically, this conversation is Jamie and Cersei’s nascent plans to get revenge and conquer Westeros. This is just an educated guess; I was very bored by this point and waiting for Silicon Valley to start.
Since I do not wish to be as turgid as GoT, here are some bullet points detailing what happened to other characters:
- Margery is still in jail and wants to see her brother Loras. As you will recall, he was jailed for being gay. The GOP’s dream America everyone! Anyway, the High Sparrow asks Margery to confess and she’s like “LOL nope.” Then he’s like “Girl, bye.”
- In Dorn, the prince is killed by Oberyn’s booty call and one of the Sand Snakes. The other two Sand Snakes tag team to kill the prince. I know the internet seems to like the Sand Snakes, but I find them petulant and expendable.
- Dinkles and his bald advisor walk around and talk about the best ruling style.
- KG and Liam McGuiness ride horses and trade barbs. KG finds Dani’s dropped ring! He says ominously “They have her”. Also, his grayscale is spreading.
The Dothraki really do have Dani. She’s forced to walk along with two Dothraki bros who whip her in the back and make ribald comments about her. They’re taking her to their Kal. Once at the Kal’s tent, Dani is impugned by two of the Kal’s wives. “She’s a witch”, “Cut off her head”, the usual mean girl stuff. They’re majorly jel because the Kal wants Dani as his new sex slave. Dani bravely declares she will not be this Kal’s sex slave. She’s the widow of Kal Drogo. This new Kal quickly drops the macho act and profusely apologizes to Dani. She looks triumphant for a beat, but happiness is a slippery beast in the GoT world. The Kal announces Dani is going to the place where all the other Kal widows live; it’s the Dothraki custom. Our Mother of Dragons does not belong in a cloister! Will her dragons set her free? It’s ironic that Dani is the “breaker of chains”, but she finds herself captured by the Dothraki.
From Dani, we go back to the Night’s Watch where we started the episode. We’ve come full circle (said in a histrionic voice). We see Melisandre preparing for bed. She gazes into a blurry mirror and starts fiddling with her dress. You know what that means: titty time! Cue the jock rock. The camera lingers on her nubile body as Melisandre takes off her ever-present necklace, and then the camera cuts back to the bleary mirror. The reflection we see is not the Melisandre we know, but a shriveled old woman! Dejected and disgusted, Melisandre crawls into bed. Her necklace must have some exceptional concealing magic if this sag bag is her true appearance. LE FIN. Nice trick, show!
That big reveal concludes the season premiere! There was also no rape shown, so call that a win for this week. Can Dani break her (figurative) chains? IS JON SNOW DEAD?????????????? Will Melisandre reveal her true self to others? Are there any clean mirrors in Westeros? Do you think that magic necklace will be available for purchase within the next 15 years? I’m just thinking ahead.