Real Housewives of Potomac Rundown

This year, the infallible, most holy Bravo papal Excellency Andy Cohen decreed the plebeian audience would be blessed with another Real Housewives franchise. Andy’s consecrated golden tablets from the Mountains of Giudice revealed the latest installment of this cultural marvel would be The Real Housewives of Potomac.

Potomac, Maryland is affluent suburb of Washington DC. This is not the Housewives’ first foray into the Beltway area. As may recall, there was one season of the Real Housewives of D.C. in 2010. This franchise was an epic flop for our Lord and savior Andy Cohen. No true “D.C. insider” would get within 10,000 feet of this show. Most of the ladies lived in far-off lands like McLean, Virginia. This is not Washington D.C., Bravo. When you say D.C., it’d better be D.C.! Oh, there was also another minor detail that contributed to the downfall of D.C.: one member of the D.C. Housewives cast was Michaele Salahi, the infamous White House state dinner crasher. Overall, this iteration of the Real Housewives was about as appalling as Mitch McConnell’s face.

So, what His Holiness to do? He needs to feed the public’s appetite for petty squabbles among privileged, vapid, upper-class women, but there are only so many cities in America (and abroad, as there are also “Housewives” in Melbourne and Cheshire). Plus, not all cities can handle Housewives. Would you watch the Real Housewives of Boise or Real Housewives of Muncie? Neither would I. Potomac was a perfect location. Prosperity abounds and its proximity to D.C. means there are social climbers and fame whores galore to preen and prance in front of Bravo cameras.

Instead of doing individual episode recaps, I’m going to do one post that ranks the entire cast in order of season winner to season failure. Potomac is already renewed for season two, so there will be more Mid-Atlantic meltdowns and vacuous gossip in the future!

The Real Housewives of Potomac, Ranked

1.Gizelle Bryant

Season 1 Tagline–“The word on the street is, that I’m the word on the street.”

Gizelle won the season for me. Her tagline alone could be enough to put at at #1. However, Gizelle’s sharp observations, drama with the other ladies,  and hysterical one-on-one interviews secure her the top spot for season 1.

2. Ashley Darby

Season 1 Tagline–“Throw this spring chicken in the cougar’s den, and let the games begin!”

Ashley was the youngest of the ladies and new to the Potomac “social scene” (a/k/a a later addition to the show). Ashley seems like a nice person and I love the way she stood up to the ladies when her husband showed up at the end of the girl’s trip to Bethany Beach. Karen now hates Ashley because Ashley dared to speak Karen’s daughter’s name out loud, so that should be an appropriately frivolous set-up for Season 2.

3. Robyn Dixon

Season 1 Tagline–“I don’t have a cookie cutter life and I’m not apologizing for it.”

No, Robyn does not have a cookie cutter life. Robyn and her ex-husband Juan still live together. And parent their two sons together. And sleep in the same bed. And have sex. And go on dates. They act like a married couple, even though legally they are not. They divorced because Juan cheated, and Robyn is afraid to get hurt again. I hope they can work it out. They seemed genuinely sweet with each other.

Robyn was quite funny, but not in an overt way. Her reaction to Ashley complaining about coochie sweat was priceless. Robyn is smart and reasonable, which means she won’t last long on this show.

4. Karen Huger

Season 1 Tagline–“In Potomac, it’s not about who you know, it’s who you are. And I’m everything.”

Karen is the self-appointed society queen and guardian of etiquette in Potomac. Karen’s favorite thing this season was to point out when the other ladies disobeyed the rules of “Potomac etiquette”, which seemed to be rules that Karen just made up at random when she was offended. For example, she unleashed hellfire on Gizelle when Gizelle sat in the center seat at Karen’s birthday dinner. The center seat is for the birthday girl, obviously! I’ve never heard of the this etiquette rule in my life, but I’m not a cast member on a Bravo show.

5. Charisse Jackson Jordan

Season 1 Tagline–“If I don’t know who you are, then you’re no worth knowing.”

Oh, Charisse. Charisse’s big story line this season was her fractured marriage to her husband, Eddie. During the filming of this season, Eddie was the men’s basketball coach at Rutgers University in New Jersey (he has since been fired, because the men’s basketball team at Rutgers still sucks). So, Eddie lived full-time in New Jersey and Charisse stayed in Potomac. They basically live separate lives. Normally, this sad-sack plot would garner sympathy from me, but Charisse was also quite arrogant (see tagline above). Additionally, the other ladies hinted that Charisse was equally to blame for the couple living apart as Eddie.

6. Katie Rost

Season 1 Tagline–“I’m a ball and gala girl. It’s my legacy and my calling.”

Ugh, Katie. Katie started with so much promise and then became the worst. This is how you land last in the rankings of an insignificant blog. Katie’s story this season focused on her (unsuccessfully) running her family’s philanthropic foundation and getting her boyfriend Andrew to propose. Katie maligned a fundraiser Karen held for Alzheimer’s research because it didn’t live up to the name of “gala”. Katie goes to three galas a week, y’all! She must know what she is talking about even though some of the galas we saw her attending looked pretty pathetic. Besides attending “galas”, Katie’s main focus in life is trying to get her boyfriend Andrew, a man who has the appeal of dried dog turds, to ask for her hand in marriage. She says the gala scene is conservative, so she and Andrew need to be married to be accepted. That is code for “I’m trying to find a replacement father for my children.”

The worst about Katie is her policing of the other ladies’ racial identity (particularly Robyn and Gizelle). Katie identifies as biracial. Robyn and Gizelle identify as black. Katie takes umbrage with this because Robyn and Gizelle have light skin and light eyes. According to Katie, one doesn’t look this way if she is “straight out of Africa”. Katie, girl. You must know that black genes vary greatly because many black people in America are descended from slaves. The slave DNA mixed with white people DNA (through rape or consensual relationships. So, it’s possible that Robyn and Gizelle have black ancestors. More importantly, however, who the fuck cares??? Robyn and Gizelle’s black identity bothers Katie so much because she has no fucking clue who she is and how to classify herself.

So, that is why Katie is insufferable.

ETA: In the Season 1 finale, Andrew proposed to Katie. After proposing, he added he would like to have a “five to seven year engagement.” I can’t believe he’s been single for so long!

 

 

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