GoT Recap: Sons of Killing People While Wearing Creepy Masks

I began recapping Game of Thrones in season 5 at the request of some friends. I have an irreverent approach toward recapping this series (that’s putting it mildly) which is not for everyone.  I started recapping halfway through season 5; I will post those recaps in preparation for season 6, which premiers on April 24, 2016. Happy reading.

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Season 5, Episode 4: Sons of the Harpy
Original Air Date: May 3, 2015

Welcome to the first Game of Thrones recap, Krista style. This week, an old favorite come back to the screen and the usual players up to their same old machinations. Without further ado, here is the recap.

We open with a character I like to call “Khaleesi Guy”. I think his name is Jora or something, but in my recaps he is Khaleesi Guy or just KG. It’s a dark and stormy night (oooo, way to set a spooky tone, GoT). KG punches some old rando and steals his water vessel. What’s more, he has “the Dinkles”! He’s taking Dinkles to “the queen”. I thought KG was taking Dinkles to Cersei; totally fell for it. But no, he’s taking Dinkles to Daenerys. She is a queen too. (Note to self: duh).

KG is totally in love with Dani and she wants nothing to do with him after he tattled on her (I’m not really sure). This actually is pretty good.

Man, this show loves water vessels this episode. Jamie and his “right hand” (get it?) are riding water style on this way to Dorne to rescue Jamie’s niece/daughter (incest-y knight). Jamie is rescuing this girl because he feels bad for setting Dinkles free. Oh, and he hates Dinkles now too because he killed Tywin. It never ends with these Lannister people.

The two guys arrive in Dorne and then kill a bunch of guys on horses. That’s all you need to know about this part.

There are other Dorne residents that are more interesting—the Sand Snakes! Yes, Oberyn
Martell’s daughters have made their debut on GoT. Oberyn’s wife/booty call asks them to go
war. One girl chucks a spear into a guy’s head. It’s safe to say she’s down to clown in a war.

On to more Lannister business. Cersei is discussing politics with the Tyrell guy (Margery’s dad???). Cersei is one bad bitch and she is totally up to something. She also day drank at least twice this episode. Fucks given by Cersei=0.

We find out in the next scene what Cersei was planning. We see these gross guys with sigils
carved on their foreheads (really? Only a guy would think that was cool). They are like fundamentalist Christians times 10,000. They raid brothels and beat up/kill people they find—especially gay people. We all know Loras, Margery’s brother, is the gayest gay whoever gayed. Margery is #1 on Cersei’s shit list and needs a way to get to her. Oh bingo! Have said gay brother imprisoned. Tommen tries to do help, but he is 14 years old, tiny, and horny. Seriously, how could people even think a 14 year old boy could be an effective king? Honestly. Boys that age are walking balls of cum. But I digress.

Now we move to the North, were winter is coming. I got to say, this part was extremely boring, except for the Melisandre parts. She is one creepy-ass bitch. There’s some stuff with Stannis and his wife, who are totally whipped by Melisandre. Overall, very boring. Jon Snow talks to some fat guy. So much boring. Things finally heat up when Melisandre goes to talk to Jon Snow. She wants him BAD. Like as badly as I want Dhaba right now. She gets naked (this is all she usually has to do to get a guy to party with her). He’s all “I took an oath” and “I still love Ygritte”, but he still cops a feel. He rejects her. She turns to leave and says “You know nothing, Jon Snow”.

OOOOOOO SNAP. Girl knows her shit. I’m actually interested to see what happens with this storyline.

In other Stark-ish news, Sansa and Little Finger kiss. I feel uncomfortable.

We move to Mereen with Daenerys being dull. She really needs to unleash her dragons again. Liam McGuiness (a/k/a Michiel Huisman) shows up for a brief second. He’s becoming a big movie star, so his contract must have a provision that he is on screen for every episode. While we are in Mereen, we see more Sons of the Harpy murdering people in Daenerys’s army. More of her guys join the melee. We see Grey Worm in the fracas, fighting the weirdos off, but losing strength. Then that bad ass old guys shows up with his giant sword. He fights bravely, but then dies. Grey Worm crawls toward him and comes to a stop.

END CREDITS. Total cliffhanger, GoT!

Is Grey Worm dead? Will Loras be set free? Will Jon Snow give in to Melisandrae? What will

Khaleesi make of Dinkles? Find out next week as this shit show continues.

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