Season 5, Episode 5: Kill the Boy
Original Air Date: May 10, 2015
Another day, another installment of this (very boring this week) shit show. The show is certainly unique (I would use another word, but I don’t want to hurt the show’s feelings). The theme song for it is as long as other shows. I could watch two episodes of South Park while the credits are still rolling for this bitch. This complaint aside, let’s get into the recap.
We see Grey Worm convalescing in a cozy bed. The only other semi-major black character is at his side. They will totally make out later on. We find out that the badass old guy who fought off the masked weirdos is dead. Sad! RIP Badass Old Guy. I will probably forget about you by next week.
Dani Khaleesi and Liam McGuiness (Michiel Huisman) are standing over bad ass old guy,
mourning and exalting him. I told you Liam/Michiel had to appear at least once in every episode!
Anyway, L/M tries to give Dani advice, but she wants none of it. She bought a ticket for the
vengeance train. So, she rounds up the leaders of each family in Mereen (don’t get why at all) and brings them in front of her dragons. One of the dragons sets a guy on fire, and then it and the other dragon go half-sies on the charred body. A little gory, but the dragons are back. Gore is why we watch, amirite? That and tits, I suppose.
After a little dragon action, we move to the North. SNOOZE FEST. The parts in the North are
some of the weakest on the entire show. A fat is guy is reading to an old guy. So much boring!
Jon Snow walks in to talk to the old guy. The old guy says something cryptic: “Kill the boy”. Ok, old guy. Let’s move on to something more exciting.
We’re still in the North at this point, so the excitement level is about a 4/10 with this next bit. Jon Snow is talking to the captured Wildling, an angry ginger (or Gingerbeard McAngry). Jon Snow wants to give angry ginger man resources to rescue more Wildlings from the impending deluge of White Walkers. Or something. This episode was so boring I can barely write this recap. I wrote in my notes “This part needs to be done”. Angry ginger eventually agrees, but only if Jon Snow accompanies him. I’m sure this will go smoothly with no snags (said no one ever). The rest of the non-ginger people hate this plan. They basically say “You know nothing, Jon Snow”.
After everyone gives him shit, Jon then takes more shit from some little kid. God, I’m so done with this part.
Still more North through which to suffer! Brienne and Pod are in tower all clandestine. Brienne is still committed to saving Sansa. Girl needs a new hobby. She does have a cool bit where she gives the octogenarian innkeeper a rundown. “Who do you serve?” she asks him. Probably someone evil, knowing this show.
Speaking of evil, we spend a lot of time with the Boltons this episode. On a show filled to
capacity with dreadful people, they truly are a fright. Ramsay’s little girlfriend Miranda tricks Sansa into finding Theon/Reek. It is not difficult to deceive Sansa, but that is still a cunt move.
Then Ramsay has Reek/Theon serve wine at dinner and then suggest Theon give Sansa away at the impending wedding of doom. Cool joke, dick. After dinner we find out Ramsay is a child of rape. This show is so uplifting! On somewhat of a bright note, Sansa does get to throw some shade at dinner, responding thusly when it was said the North must be a strange place to her:
“This is my home. It’s the people that are strange.” Let’s go cool off in the shade!
I’m skipping a bunch of boring parts with Tilly, the fat guy, Jon Snow and some horses. We see Melisandrae for a brief second, but I almost didn’t recognize her because she was completely clothed. Dani Khaleesi is marrying some guy from Mereen to create an alliance.
We have seen plently of Khaleesi this episode, but what about KG? We find him still with
Dinkles in their beloved rowboat. They sail through the ruins of an old pirate village and talk about it for hours (or two-three dull minutes). The show is starting to lose me at this point. If I ever interviewed George R.R. Martin I would ask one question: Were you influenced by Tolkein? I would ask because their characters are similar in that they BLATHER ON ABOUT INANE TOPICS THAT DO NOT MATTER. Anyway, I’m starting to fall asleep when a mother-effing dragon flies over KG and Dinkles. That will make even Dinkles speechless. The dragon glides over them peacefully.
The tranquility is punctuated by a splash in the water. Who could it be now (sings Colin Hay)? Suddenly, gray men jump onto the boat. Gasp! Cannibals infected with grayscale! KG fights them off, but more appear. Dinkles has to roll overboard to get away and one of the brutes follows. We see Dinkles go under with the flesh-eating miscreation. Cut to black.
Come on, we know Dinkles won’t die! Nice try, show. KG saved Dinkles, but KG is the one who will need saving—he has a patch of grayscale on his arm!
Nice twist, GoT! That little reveal brings us to the end of another “thrilling” installment of George R. R. Martin’s dark and twisted wet dream. Will KG transform into a cannibal who
resembles a rock? Will the North get more boring? Will we see more dragons next time? Stay tuned as the greatest shit show of our time continues.